To be Scarr'd or not to be scarred?

A rape recovery story in serial form

by Evelyn Shakespeare

© 2005 Evelyn Shakespeare.

As you read this story, you will find that:
The red bits emphasize the important helpful things I have experienced on my healing journey.
The green bits are quotes from my diary.
The purple bits are quotes from helpful books and other sources.
The art work and the photographs are my own. They will be loaded onto the site soon....

Chapter 7

The simple things in life can be wonderful healing tools

I have already talked about some of the major therapies that I found helpful to my healing and recovery, but I would like to share with you some of the simple things in life that I discovered to be wonderful and powerful healing tools too. Unfortunately some therapies are expensive and there were many times I wanted to send him the many bills that I needed to pay to aid my healing and recovery from the harm and damage he caused. Although I'm not sure what price you would put on the loss of self identity, self esteem, self confidence, pride, the unbearable pain and anguish, the physical, emotional and psychological pain, damage to relationships and the loss of what I thought would be life long friends.

However, over time I have come to realise that there were many other simple things in my life that were helping me to heal and recover, some of them were free of cost and only required my time, effort, energy and a friend to reach out. So I will share with you some of the simple things in life that I found to be helpful in my own healing and recovery that might be helpful to other survivors or those people supporting a survivor. Although I will mention quite a few ideas here, there are likely to be many more, so chose what appeals to you. Remember follow your intuition in regard to what will help you and trust that it will help you.


Dance has probably been one of the most important aspects of my healing. I had been dancing for a number of years prior to the rape and I had always found it to be great exercise, fun, a wonderful means to make friends and socially it improved my social life. I found dancing was useful in helping me to express my creativity and discover and release my feminine side. The week following the rape Georgia and I were going up North for a dancing workshop. I was really tired and I really didn't want to face the reality of what had really happened. If anyone asked me if I was ok I could feel the tears well up. I was feeling kind of empty; sick to the stomach, nauseated, numb with this sense of un-realness. I was left wondering "did this really happen to me?" I can now fully understand why women don't deal with this straight away because they are numb and shocked to the core.

As I drive I desperately need to go to this dance workshop to help me cope with all of this and to feel some sense of myself. Georgia suggested that I leave it all behind, which is a good idea, but I know that it can easily bubble up and come to the surface. Those people who know me at the workshop, know that something is wrong, but I manage to keep myself together. I managed to laugh, joke, dance and have some fun. I guess I needed some normality to help me feel a sense of who I am because I have no idea who I am in the aftermath of the rape.

Although everything in the world looks the same, everything is different and it is like I have landed on another planet that resembles the earth where I once lived. However, I was yet to come to understand that some people from dancing would be judgmental, negative, cruel and hurtful. I did come to understand that dance is a form of therapy, moving away from those judgmental, negative, cruel and hurtful dance instructor and students has meant that I have been able to continue dancing with supportive, positive, wonderful dance students and professional dance instructors.

It was so disappointing to see how some women treated me, but it was wonderful to be supported by those who have and continue to be wonderful, kind, loving and supportive friends. I will let you in on a secret, those people who were repeatedly negative, judgmental, cruel, hurtful, disbelieving you and minimising your experience are not going to be helpful to your healing and recovery. Those same people tend to be the ones who when you see them are unable to look at you, maintain any eye contact and they hang their head down in shame for their words, actions and treatment toward you. Let me tell you right here, right now, it is these people's problem, not yours, you did not deserve how they treated you, they were not honest enough to say to you "I don't know what to say to you or how to help you", they are not prepared to hold your hand, to sit and listen to you without judgment.

For those people supporting a survivor of rape, don't minimise, trivialize the woman's experience, but do acknowledge and accept the survivor's experience and how she feels as being real and valid. Ask yourself "do I really want her to be alone during the most traumatic event in her life?" and "Am I willing to be loving and caring to help support her during this most traumatic event?" It is important to understand and realise that she did the best she could to survive, that bad things can happen to anyone, she is not at fault and support her heal and deal with her healing and recovery the way she wants to deal with it. Your kindness, love, care and support are essential to her healing and she will always remember and be eternally grateful to you.

There are times when I go dancing, I feel sad, lost, hurt and vulnerable. It keeps dragging me down. Sometimes it feels easier to be with people who don't know because then I don't have to deal with their reactions. At times at dancing class I find that I am slow to move, slow to anticipate the next step, slow to remember the dance steps and routines and I feel sluggish. I am also conscious of how dance is an expression of being feminine and right now I don't want to feel feminine, as I am in unbearable pain from the rape! The last thing I want to feel is feminine, as I really want to protect myself, keep myself safe and be hidden from men and judgmental people. Sometimes while at dance class I start to feel remanets of myself returning and I am even able to smile, laugh and joke.

In the early months following the rape I found that there were times when I could not go to dance class because I just couldn't face people and have to deal with their reactions. However, at other times I would go because once upon a time it was my haven and my escape from the world. Although, when I went to dance practice I would usually bolt after class rather than go for the usual drinks after class because right then I can't drink, laugh and joke. I can barely smile. How can I pretend to be who I was before all this? I hope and pray that I work through this so that I can become strong, positive and happy once again.

.Nearly 4 months after leaving dance class, I decide to start dancing again because I miss it, but I decide to go with another dance instructor. I know that I will feel safe to go to Zenka's classes, she knows me, the kind and gentle soul that I am, just like I know Zenka to be a kind and gentle soul. Returning to dance classes was a real mixture of happy and sad feelings and memories. It was just so inconceivable to me that someone, especially a woman, could treat me like my last dance instructor did when I had been so badly hurt. Zenka chats with me after the class, wanting to know why I had moved on. It was reassuring to see that Zenka was visibly shocked at my previous dance instructor's treatment toward me, although, interestingly enough, she wasn't surprised by this person's behaviour. I am fortunate to have Zenka in my life as we have both supported each other for major events in our lives. Six months following the rape I have fleeting moments where I sing to the radio, I sing or hum to myself or I break out dancing. I find that pretty reassuring.

I am now dancing with another beautiful dance instructor, while Zenka is on a break from dancing. Once again, I am fortunate to be dancing with another loving, caring, supportive, understanding and empathetic woman who also knows what happened and how I was treated by my first dance instructor.



Mary and I go to circle dancing. It was a bit scary because it was the "unknown", but I decided to be brave enough to explore the unknown. Then I became worried because there were strange men who I didn't know, let alone feel safe around. Mary gets me up dancing, I catch on quickly and she responds "you're a quick learner". It is extremely important to provide a survivor of feedback of her positive attributes and abilities especially at times when she is likely to feel vulnerable. Most of the men come to hold my hand at different times while we are dancing. They all seem like gentle souls that I find very reassuring. At times there is this feeling of unity and connectedness that comes from dancing holding hands and I am able to escape my reality.



Another interesting and helpful thing that Mary and I experimented with was folk spinning where each person hold hands, lean back and begin spinning. God, the first time we were spinning, it all came rushing back to me as I felt like I had no control and I didn't like that feeling. My tears were flowing. We spin again, again and again. Each time feels different. One time it feels like everything else is spinning out of control. It reminds me of how my life feels like it is spinning out of control and I realise that we probably have the illusion of control in this world that makes us feel better. The next time I am demanding my control back and then I want to lean back more, move away and cut the cord. I did wander why the idea of spinning had come to me because I didn't get what I had expected, but I guess I did find some interesting insights spinning. I felt safe and supported spinning with Mary holding my hands and supporting me. I recommend that you follow your intuition and find that quiet voice within you that is there to help you.



At times friends can't believe that I am able to function, but I have to, I need the normality and the distraction away from it all. It is just so hard dealing with this and it's such a struggle to keep working and trying to function normally. Yet, it keeps me sane, provides me with a distraction and escape from the unbearable pain. Although in hindsight I did push the boundaries of normality far too soon and I would highly recommend taking the time you need away from work pressures while you recover from the initial shock and trauma of rape.



There are friends who I have felt safe telling about the rape, most were supportive, some were never going to be supportive and others were for a period of time and then would disappear. At times I was disappointed by how some people treated me, but you can't second guess how other people will react, treat or support you. However, when I talk to others about the rape I can see the look in their eyes and I can see the realisation that it has happened to someone they know sink in. I came to realise that I can make a difference, find a sense of purpose and meaning to this by informing women that it can happen, don't take risks and how to keep safe. I have been able to help other survivor's of sexual abuse and other people who are experiencing traumatic life events by being there, listening, encouraging them to do whatever it is that they need to do and by sharing my own journey by writing my book.



There are times when I need time out from the world, but I know I have to be careful not to get caught in the trap of being a hermit. I wanted to go to the beach on this particular day, but I can't face having to interact with people when this man has hurt me like he has and I just want to let go off all the niceties and politeness and scream "------- ----- is a date rapist and he raped me!"

Six months following the rape I feel so incredibly tired and I've got my period. So I have taken myself to bed. I feel like I need to cocoon and nurture myself. Although I hope that I am not giving up. I don't think so, I know that I can't continue to go on like this, NOT that I can't continue to go on!



They say that music soothes the savage soul, but it can soothe the damaged soul too. I found music to be extremely helpful as there are songs that I can only describe as being inspirational to me. Music tastes are individual and what appeals or helps you to express your feelings or make sense of your experience is the best way to go. I would listen to Sade as she is so beautiful, such a soothing voice, but all the songs are about the joys of love, which isn't what I am experiencing right now. Right at that point in time, a few weeks after the rape, I need music to soothe my soul and comfort me.

I can't help but listen to Reba's powerful song "what if" - the words of this song say so much about how sad it is in this world that we lost the ability to care for each other and how if we reached out.

.Maybe things could change

What if

Sometimes I don't understand,
feels like I'm living in a world gone mad.
Look around, all around it's just the same people,
they just rush everywhere.
No time to ever take the time to care.
We're the one's, we're the losers in this game.
So where is the tenderness we sacrificed for progress
and where is the love we need.
You know it makes me wonder.


What if everybody, what if everybody
reached out with one hand, reached with just one hand
What if everybody, what if everybody
sang out with one voice, sang with just one voice.

Maybe we could change things
what if everyone, what if everyone cared
with just one heart, cared with their own heart
What if everybody, what if everybody tried
to light one spark, tried to light one spark

Maybe we could change things.somehow

Somehow it's all up to us,
we've got to take this world and make it a world of love.
We've got to do it now.
We've got find a way to make a change, somehow.
There's got to be a way, for us to make it better


Here in our hearts,
the answer is there if we only would only look there inside them.
We can make it better, we can make it better,
oh we can make it, we can make it better,
oh if we try together


There's got to be a way, got to be a better way
for us to make it better.
There's got to be a way, got to;
be a better way, for us to make it better

What if every body, what if everybody
cared with just one heart, cared with their own heart.
What if everybody, what if everybody
tried to light one spark, tried to light one spark.

Maybe, we could change things

(Song by Reba McEntire, Moments and Memories, The very best of Reba, 1998).

This song is so worth listening to as it is a very powerful song that tries to make sense of today's world and it suggests how love and caring could change the world. It was everything that I was trying to make sense of at that point in my life. Elton John's song "Blue eyes" is about how sad this woman with blue eyes is and I can certainly relate to that. These blue eyes of mine are tired and sad.

It might sound strange, but sometimes when I was listening to music, messages would come to me and I remember on night the words "hold on, hold on, hold on" kept coming to me. I gratefully accepted as a sign that I needed to literally hold on and I have held on the best I could ever since.

Another artist I found very helpful in keeping me feeling strong when feeling strong was far from how I was really feeling was Wendy Matthew's and her song "Standing Strong". The part of the song I found really helpful was

"I'll pick you up and turn you round. I'll leave you standing strong on solid ground to save you from these shifting sands, to join me up right here where I stand"

These songs are tools that I can draw strength from to nurture my damaged soul. Another song that I found extremely powerful has been Fantasia's song "I believe" especially these words

Around the time of the first anniversary of the rape I keep playing John Farnham's song "You're the voice". I especially like the words

"We can write what we want to write"

"You're the voice, try and understand,
make a noise and make it clearer.
You're the voice,
we're not gonna sit in silence,
we're not gonna live in fear,

There is another song that I initially found described the pain of being hurt and it would easily leave me tearful, but I felt this compulsion to sing it. It is a song called "You Believed" by Casey Donavon on her album 'For You".

You Believed

I've been downtrodden and pushed around.
I've been broken and bruised.
My heart's been rung out and kicked around.
Had my share of the blues til you rescued me.
Took me to places I'd never been.
Showed me a truth, a new clarity and now I see.
Now I see because you believed in who I am and all I could be.
You believed.
You read my heart and shared all my dreams
and I just want to thank you for all the joy you bring.
You believed because you believed.

I've been forgotten.
I've been let down.
Cried me a river or two.
Days when my friends could not be found.
Oh yeh and I've been a fool til you rescued me
and took my to places I'd never been.
Showed me a truth and honesty,
now I'm free, now I'm free cos you believed in who I am and all I can be.
You believed, you read my heart, shared all my dreams
and I just want to thank you cos you believed because you believed.

I came to realise that this song had another message about how pain touches our lives, how some friends still can't be found, yet all it takes is one person to believe in who you are and all that you can be. To those friends who could be found, who loved, supported, guided, cared, nurtured, listened, loved, held my hand, accepted my pain as real and valid, encouraged me to express my pain and those who believed in me I just want to say 'Thank You because you believed, because you believed in who I am and all I could be".

I found these words so incredibly powerful as they are a source of encouragement, inspiration and they drive me forward. Plus I feel that these words give me permission, encouragement and confirm my need to speak out my truth and write my story to help my own road to healing and to help others too.



The power of negative and positive thoughts is well known as to how they affect our behaviour, communication, relationships and interactions with others and our body. Obviously, negative thoughts can negatively affect our thoughts, behaviours, actions and interactions with others, while positive thoughts positively affect our thoughts, behaviours, actions and interactions with others. A few weeks following the rape I had decided that

"I am not going to let this beat me, I'm not. I am strong. I am strong. I can overcome this. I can be as strong as I need to be" (Diary entry, 12/7/04).

" I wish all the pain, anguish and shock that has happened to me wasn't there, but I must deal with this"(Diary entry, 14/7/04).

I found some quotes from "Cutting the ties of karma" by Phyllis Krystal's chapter 17 called "The controllers role". Some of these helpful quotes were

"Love in my uncertainty" (page 97)

"Abandon your plans, even the best ones" (page 97)

"Surrender, trust and accept" (page 97)

"Guide us to be at the right place at the correct time, with whoever is present" (page 97)

"Supply us with clear signs to indicate the steps we should make" (page 98).

Another book called Radical Forgiveness by Colin Tipping (2002) was another helpful book for giving me more quotes to help guide me. Although, I feel I must warn anyone planning on reading this book that I found it personally very challenging because it states that we are souls having an emotional yet human experience. As souls we decide what we need to learn and heal in our human lives with those souls who will help us see the lesson. The author describes how if another human being's behaviour causes an emotional reaction in us, then this is probably a soul that we have mutually agreed to help us learn a lesson. Some messages have reoccurring themes. This other soul behaves in a manner to get our attention to help us understand the message, learn and heal. It basically states that this other soul is a teacher or healer. Although I find it extremely difficult and challenging to accept this concept and I experience many body sensations involving breathing difficulties and shaking. So, it's not necessarily an easy reader for survivors of trauma, but I am sure there are many people in this world that would find the concepts in this book helpful.

As I said what I did find helpful to me personally was some of the important points that I got from this book

I am willing to accept that this has happened for a reason and I can accept that there is lessons for me learn from this traumatic experience. I have immersed myself in the grief, overwhelming disbelief, pain, fear, anger, tears, the guilt, the shock and trauma. I have simply gone with it; surrendered to the experience and been intuitively lead to do what I need to do to heal. I am willing to feel peaceful and happy again. I am open and willing to release my pent up feelings of pain, hurt and anger so that I can be healthy and avoid developing a DIS-EASE. But I can never accept that his behaviour was acceptable. Bur thankfully, the book's author, states that we can follow human law, because there are lessons here for the other person (Radical Forgiveness, 2002).

Six months later I have to keep reminding myself that "I can handle this". After all look at what I have handled so far. Another book that I found extremely helpful as I have previously mentioned in another chapter, is 'Love, medicine and miracles" by Bernie Siegel. Some of the main points from Bernie's book include

Bernie's book helps me to realise that releasing and expressing my anger by diary writing, drawing, physical and verbal releases are acceptable and healthy. Although Bernie's book is primarily for people dealing with cancer, it is also very appropriate and helpful to people experiencing other forms of grief and pain from trauma.

I found this great quote

"The truth will free you, but first it will make you mad"

All I can say is this quote is 100% on the mark.

Another absolutely fabulous book that I was loaned by from my friend Carol was a book called "The courage to heal - A guide for women survivors of child sexual abuse" by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis. This book is not only useful to child survivors, but also to both male and female survivors. The book covers a range of topics such as creating a positive self- image, how partners can be supportive and how to form a healthy intimate sexual relationship following rape. Some of the points I really like about this book were



The book "The courage to heal" had many women's comments that I found truly inspirational and helpful in my own journey to heal and recover. The comments from the women are ones that I hope you will find helpful to. As one woman says

"Though sometimes I want to crawl into a dark place and hide from reality, and other times I want to give up completely. I go on. I don't know where this "healing" will lead me. I live on other people's hope. I live on other people's faith that life will get better. I continue to wonder whether it is worth it, but I go on. This, then, is healing" (page 63),

"I have everything I need to heal myself follow my heart and intuition" (page 398),

"I know I have been able to heal because I'm not being silent anymore" (page 404)

"Their belief in me was like a magnet which pulled me through" (page 440)

"As we release our feelings, we begin to heal" (page 444)

"The scariest part for me was that I had to do this all by myself, that no matter how many people expressed their caring to me, or told me I'd get over it, I had to be the one to do the work. And to face that has been almost more that I could bear" (page 147)

"The healing isn't just about pain. It's about learning to love yourself. As you move from feeling like a victim to being a proud survivor, you will have glimmers of hope, pride and satisfaction" (page 179).

"You have to go through all the pain and agony and pride of being a survivor before you can move beyond that to warrior status" (page 439)

"We as survivors have to do what we have to do" (page 445) and finally

"Trust your process, allow it to lead you. Trust your process, listen to yourself" (page 451).

I guess what gives me comfort with other women's comments is the absolute truth and honesty about the reality of enduring and surviving. I found the women's descriptions of healing and recovery to be priceless little gems of information that I couldn't of received from anyone else apart from fellow survivors. It also helped me to know that I was on the right path heading towards healing and recovery.



It was so important that I knew that my friends cared. I needed my friends to show me that they care especially when I could not reach out to them. I needed their support to help me through this unbearable pain. It is too hard to deal with on my own. I could not have done this on my own. I needed to know that I was worth all the effort that was required to heal and recover, because I needed to know that I was loved, cared for, worthy, supported, valued and important to give me a purpose to overcome this. When a valued friend reached out to see if I was ok, I felt so grateful to know that someone cared enough to reach out to me.

I have had to recognise that the individuals I was having problems with were probably due to each of our differing thoughts, feelings and beliefs. Despite losing the friendships of 3 people as a consequence of the rape I have learnt that not everybody will be able to support you the way you truly need to be supported, even if you have supported them in the past. We can't judge others for not supporting us the way we would support them in a time of crisis and trauma. However, I would personally prefer that people were truthful rather than being hurtful. I have to see it as a blessing and a time for lessons for each of us as individuals regarding our different words, support, responses and reactions especially in times of grief, loss, pain, crisis, shock and trauma. I also realise dealing openly with my unbearable pain, anger and anguish was too confronting for some people to deal with.

The book "When bad things happen to good people' by Harold S Kusher is a wonderful book that I found great comfort from and one that I would highly recommend to anyone experiencing or supporting someone else's grief, trauma, shock, loss and pain. Harold explains that

"It is gratuitous, even cruel, to tell the person who has been hurt, whether by divorce or death or disaster, "maybe if you acted differently, things would not have turned out so badly". When we say that, all we are really telling them is "This is your fault for having chosen as you did" (page 119). Instead say

"This was not your fault. You are a good, decent people who deserve better. I can understand that you feel hurt, confused, angry at what happened, but there is no reason why you should feel guilty" (page 122).

Harold suggests that

"The goal, if we can achieve it, would be to be angry at the situation, rather than ourselves.. Getting angry at ourselves makes us depressed. Being angry at other people scares them away and makes it harder for them to help. Being angry at the situation, recognising it as something rotten, unfair and totally undeserved, shouting about it, denouncing it, crying over it, permits us to discharge the anger which is a part of being hurt, without making it hard for us to be helped" (page 127). Also

"When we feel so terribly alone, singled out by the hand of fate, when we are tempted to crawl off in a dark corner and feel sorry for ourselves we need to be reminded that we are part of a community, that there are people around who care about us and that we are still part of the stream of life" (page 140).

For those who believe in the power of prayer, Harold states

"People who pray for courage, for strength to bear the unbearable, for the grace to remember what they have left instead of what they have lost, very often find their prayers answered' (page 146)

The author goes on to say

"Somehow you found the strength not to let yourself be broken. You found the resiliency to go on living and caring about things" (page 152). Somehow you go

"Beyond self pity to the point of facing and accepting' (page 158).

The author goes on to tell the reader that

"No one ever promised us a life free from pain and disappointment. The most anyone promised us was that we would not be alone in our pain, and that we would be able to draw upon a source outside ourselves for strength and courage we would need to survive life's tragedies and life's unfairness" (page 158). Finally, the author asks the reader

"Are you capable of forgiving and accepting to have a world which has disappointed you by not being perfect, a world in which there is so much unfairness and cruelty, disease and crime, earthquake and accidents? Can you forgive its imperfections and love it because it is capable of containing great beauty and goodness and because it is the only world we have?" (page 174)



In times of stress I have always gone to walk on the beach to help me feel better. I guess the best way to deal with anything painful is to use what normally helps you to cope with crisis that way you are utilising your strengths to heal and recover. There are times initially following the rape when I go for a walk along the beach, but I couldn't really enjoy the walk because I was hyper-vigilant I would be constantly checking that no one was going to jump out at me. It would make me so mad that I couldn't walk along the beach and feel safe like I once did. At times I would go looking for answers like "why did this happen" and the only response I would get would be "just because". I didn't really find that this response was very helpful.

At times I found going for a walk along the beach was helpful as I would receive insights like that this has happened because it can, we can't always be in control of our lives, we probably have very little control over our lives and I did the best I could to get out relatively unharmed. A couple of months following the rape, I discover while walking along the beach that the sky is still blue, the trees are still green, the beach is still sandy, the birds still sing, the seagulls still surf the waves, the mountain is covered in snow and the sun glistens, sparkles and plays on the water. The world was still there and it is a rich source of beauty. However, I am still sad and lost and I am hoping and praying that things will get better.

Mary invites me to go to the East Coast to get a break away from everything. All I can say is 'thank God, there are people like Mary in this world". I get to go for walks along the beach and indulge in one of my favourite hobby of taking photographs. The next day we go for a walk along some dunes and I must admit that it was pretty beautiful. The beautiful blue sky and sea, waves were rolling in, a sandy beach, big sand dunes with patterns carved in them from the wind, grasses and birds singing. It felt good to have the sun on my face, the sea breeze on my body and all those wonderful negative ions. It is like I am present in the moment, but I am slow. I can pick the pace up if I need to, but I tend to just stroll as I am probably still away with the fairies. I just continue to go with the flow. I enjoyed stopping to take photographs to try to capture the beauty of this place.

Mary wanted me to go down a steep sand dune. I am extremely reluctant to do so. Mary responds by saying "come on where is your sense of adventure?" and I respond by saying "I lost it, no it was stolen!" Of course, the tears flowed as usual. So Mary climbs back up the dune and we go down together. Mary encourages me to let go of my sadness and anger. So I throw rocks and branches. I smash branches on the beach until they break. I scream out "fuck you", "go straight to hell and don't ever come back", "Go to jail" and "I am strong enough". I spontaneously decide to write his name ------- ----- IS A RAPIST in the sand. I decide to leave it there and I just walk away. I decide to treat him the same way he treated me without any regard. I reckon he is very lucky that I don't send a copy of the photo to the local newspaper!!!

Seven months following the rape Mary invites me to do a walk on the mountain. I am still trying to process and make sense of what happened to me. I end up crying trying to understand exactly what it is that I was crying about!!!!!!!

Almost a year later I have some days where I am not in the mood to face the world and this day is one of them. Mary has rung to see if I want to go for a walk, at first I decline, but she rings back and encourages me to come along. I am glad that I did because I got to enjoy the warmth of the sun, the blue water, the blue sky combined with the exercise that helped me feel better. So some times gentle persuasions and persistence of a friend can be very worthwhile even if you don't think that they will be.

About 14 months after the rape Mary has invited me to go up to the east coast ago for a break away which I happily accept. On our first night there, it's my birthday, so we decide to have a drink, but I decide I need to get drunk. I need to get drunk because I haven't allowed myself to have a drink of alcohol since it happened. But I feel like I need to escape, but that doesn't happen with Mary around to push me. All I can remember saying is "I just want a light at the end of the tunnel" and you know what Mary says "you know what they say about the light at the end of the tunnel, you'd better watch out for the oncoming train". I can also remember saying, "enough is enough" and "I need time to breathe, absorb the anniversary, time to reflect. What do I get instead, one challenge after another". But Mary just talks about this being part of my journey, but it feels like it has gone on for far too long, it's been so tiring and I just want a break or holiday where I don't have something to deal with and resolve on an emotional level.

The next day the beauty of the east coasts red/orange rocks, seeing the waves crash on the shore, lots of sea shells, frogs singing, seeing the rain clouds and enjoying both the beach and forest walks work their magic on me.



As the first anniversary approached I felt that I had been doing pretty well, until the night before the anniversary of meeting him a week prior to the rape. I started to get upset, sad and crying. I was left wandering what am I doing with my life, how did it get to this, I was not sure when it would end and what to do next. Mary rang on the night of this anniversary, but I was getting increasingly upset and tearful about the time when I had been going to Carol's 40th birthday a year ago when I met the bastard. How I wish that I had never gone to the party and that I had never met him. Mary rings back later and comes to visit me at my place where I spontaneously write the names of what I think of him on my first therapy doll, the truth doll. At around midnight we take the doll to the bridge where I say a few words and I throw him over the bridge into the cold icy water.

In hindsight, it was amazing how powerful, cleansing and spiritual I found this anniversary ceremony to be. The atmosphere at night made it even more amazing and powerful than it could have ever been during the day. The cloak of night also helped with creating privacy as well as atmosphere. During the week Mary rings, but I really feel like I need to withdraw from the world for the next couple of days. I decide to go for a walk along the beach so that I can blow some cobwebs away. The day before the anniversary of the rape, Mary and I get organised to make another therapy doll, that I call the "Justice doll". Later Mary and I go for a walk checking out places for the Justice ceremony, but I feel like I need both fire and water.

On the actual first anniversary of the rape I go dancing, at times I feel like I could easily burst into tears, but I mange to control it. I feel somewhat distant, but I manage to enjoy myself. Afterwards, I distinctly feel like I am away with the fairies. Carol, Georgia and I go to the local market for some lunch, a walk and shopping, but it feels very surreal and somewhat uncomfortable. However, I am glad to have my friends with me today. In the evening Mary suggests a little private beach, where there will be water and we can make a fire. As I have previously explained I used a Swiss army knife to cut off the justice doll's genitals, threw them into the fire and then the whole doll was thrown into the fire. Afterwards, we sat back and watched the moon rise as its light shimmered and danced on the water.

It was truly magical and amazing to be reminded that the world is a beautiful place despite the stressors and trauma's of our lives. I feel at peace with the world and it has given me great satisfaction to know that I can do what I like to him without ever having to resort to violence against him or some other innocent person. I realise that I have chosen healthy ways of dealing with this and he most definitely cannot say the same. But I live in hope that he will learn that violence does not pay and payback or karma will be more than he ever bargained for. The anniversary ceremonies felt like they were very positive, rewarding, wonderful and beautiful. I feel like I can draw strength from the anniversary ceremonies. We need to remember that our society has ceremonies for everything else on our lives like birthdays, weddings, funerals etc So I ask why not have ceremonies of survivors of trauma to help them heal and recover from their trauma?



The urge to tell the truth has been an extremely powerful urge. I know some people were extremely uncomfortable with my need to talk about what happened to me. However, the more pressure they put on me to shut up the greater my urge became to tell my truth become. I know very well that the truth about rape is ugly, scary, frightening and something that most people do not want to hear, but, survivors of rape need to speak the truth and people do need to hear and understand the reality of rape. I found that by being able to express my unbearable pain was made a little more bearable by those people who were willing to listen to me. I felt that I was able to express my unbearable pain, grief, loss, shock and trauma to my diary without the fear of the risk of being judged, treated negatively or cruelly or have my experience minimised or trivialised.

I believe that my urge to tell the truth stems from wanting to help people understand the full implications and reality of rape, the long hard road to healing and recovery and how to really and truly love, care and support a survivor of rape. The ultimate bonus has been that I can make it a reality to help other survivors, their friends and family, health professionals and the community. Many other survivors have been brave and courageous enough to help other survivors cope with their own trauma by sharing their own trauma that, in turn, assists in each person's healing and recovery. I think Alice Sebold in her book Lucky describes the urge to tell the truth beautifully

"The urge to tell the truth was immediate. It sprang out of a response so ingrained in me that even if I had tried to hold it back, thought better of it, I doubt I could have done so" (page 81).

I am extremely grateful to the women who have been brave enough to share their stories as survivors of rape because it has helped me on my own road to healing and recovery.



I'm pretty sure most people will wonder as to why I would suggest triggers or reminders of painful events to be even remotely helpful. As I have previously mentioned as difficult as triggers can be, they are in fact, a form of therapy. So I guess this is the important thing to remember when dealing with triggers, as they will help survivors to desensitise from their trauma.

A couple of months following the rape I remember a distinct trigger. I was up North at a work related conference having breakfast when one of the women started using a small pair of scissors to cut open a cereal packet. I suddenly realise that she has a small pink Swiss Army knife that she is actually using to open the cereal. I freeze and I go into the kitchen where I tell another work mate what is happening for me and she says "Oh God" My work mate goes into the lounge room and moves the knife. I feel the tears running down my face, my eyes are red rimmed, I am trying to act normal and not be noticed!!!!!!!!!!! It is not the stuff that you know about to worry about, but the little surprises that catch you off guard. Once I finally get home I manage to sink to the kitchen floor to find myself sobbing and crying my heart out.

Three months later Mary loans me her Swiss army knife to help me desensitise myself so that my body doesn't react with body sensations such as not being able to breathe, feeling nausea and shaking. The first time I go for a walk along the beach with the Swiss army knife I get a sense of the power he must have felt and how he must have felt that he could get me to do what he wanted and that I would have to take notice of him. He could feel the power of the knife and the ultimate control he would have over me. It must have been quite a power trip and buzz to try to destroy a strong woman, but let me tell you mate, you haven't destroyed me. I am strong. Unlike you mate, you are the weak one. In reality, he has no feelings of power because he needs the knife to feel powerful and he has absolutely no sense of control, as he needs to control others to feel control. Weak that is how I would describe him.

I am triggered when I hear his Christian name. I can't breathe; I curl up in the foetal position and shake. I would even be crying. I am getting to the point where I have had enough of the numerous triggers. I know that I must remind myself that this is a form of therapy, expression, release and it is healthy, but it is lots of hard work coping with them. It means that I haven't finished dealing with this yet, plus I've got to integrate these triggers into my life and I have got to accept these painful reminders that continually take me back to relive the trauma of that night. It is challenging, but I must remember that I can handle the triggers.

Georgia and I go to an art show called "Sorry and silent" by an Aboriginal couple. What unexpectedly took me by total surprise and I had difficulty breathing was an art piece called "How can I paint a woman, when I'm a rapist?" I could see some parallels in this artist's work and my own artwork, for example, the cross, the snake and the woman's broken body. The more I looked at it, the more upset I became. It is really strange because I just don't understand the message from this artwork, but it was disturbing to me all the same.

As time goes on I am able to feel that I am more able to deal with the triggers, but they still leave me unsettled, restless and upset. Nearly 18 months later I buy myself a cheap second hand Swiss army knife to help desensitise myself so that I don't jump out of my skin, stop breathing and shake each time I see one. I must say that it has been helping to see it casually lying around my belongings. I can touch and see it as I like without evoking a response.

The most disturbing, distressful and upsetting trigger was when my mother told me that their foster boy was sexually touching his young sister inappropriately. The shock of the discovery of the sibling sexual abuse left me feeling shocked, numb, tearful, tired and in a state of disbelief as to how this could be happening. Anyway I did my best to help, but it was kind of hard to understand why I needed to have another perpetrator in my life, but it is very possible that he has been abused himself. I would wonder how much is enough? What do I have to do before it is deemed that I have been kind, helpful and supportive to other people? Maybe I need to focus on myself instead or maybe I am stronger than I think I am. However, I am not really convinced that I am strong because this latest trigger has been a powerful reminder of the initial shock and trauma following being raped. I so desperately want a break from these triggers.

Probably the thing that I am most proud of myself for doing is teaching this little girl how to protect herself with self defence moves to enable her to run away, decide who to go to get help, have a code word to alert the person to the urgency of the problem and I encouraged her to chose a handful of people to whom she could go to for help just in case the first one wasn't there or they didn't believe her. I will always remember how tightly she hugged me afterwards and how that hug was saying "Thank you. Thank you for believing me, loving me, trusting me, supporting me and helping and to protect myself". I will always hold this moment close in my heart, knowing that no matter how unbearably painful my experience was, that I was able to believe, love, trust, support, help and protect her during her own unbearable pain from lessons I learnt from my own experience. I am proud to know that I have been able to help her learn that she doesn't have to be a victim ever again. While I wish that this had never happened to her, in reality it did, and I am grateful that I had the life experience, knowledge and skills to help my beautiful, courageous, brave and strong foster sister

As for the little boy, I have been busy teaching him that it's never ok to touch someone anywhere they wear their bathers. I encourage him to learn to ask to touch someone even if it's non-sexual touch, thereby, learning to seek the other person's permission to accept or decline being touched. He knows that he has sex and love confused, which may mean that he has been sexually abused in his original home. He knows that we are carefully watching him, that his sister can now protect herself and he learned the hard way that she can protect herself. We have been teaching him that sex is an activity between consenting adults and any adult telling a child that it is ok for an adult and child or children to have sex together is lying, controlling, manipulating, hurting the child while the adult gets their needs for power and control met. It has been an extremely long, difficult and painful year dealing with this, but we are finally getting some answers to better understand him and help him. One day I might write a book about this too.

Two and a half years later I run into a hardware shop for just one minute and I head to the paint section and guess who is standing there with his girlfriend? I could feel the tension in my body and I could feel my anger building. The really difficult thing for me was that he made it obvious that the woman with him was his girlfriend by cuddling up to her. I reckon I could nearly have thrown up on him right there and then, but instead I look at him right in the eye with that laser beams of hate look and I walk past him and say "you cunt!" I'm not sure if he heard me or not, but I hope she did. I wish I had looked him in the eye and called him a rapist instead. Maybe next time I will get the courage. It really upset me that he is in a relationship because he gets to be happy and I get to go to hell and back. I want to tell her, but I don't know who she is or if she lives with him. I can't understand how she could be with him, but maybe, he hasn't yet shown her that Dr. Jeckyll/Mr Hyde monster personality that dwells within him. I want to ring him up and say, "Does your girlfriend know that you are a rapist?" Christ if someone knew I was seeing a man who had raped a woman I would 100% want to know so that I could end the relationship. I'm pretty sure that a lot of women would feel the same, especially survivors of rape. I hope and pray that she is able to get out safely and unharmed. I decide if I ever see him again with her I will try to tell her the truth about him.

I guess that I have got to keep remembering that I have survived all this stuff. I can be free, brave, courageous and strong. After all, only the weak chose to act with rage, anger and aggression. The strongest are those who seek the courage to overcome, heal and recover from their difficulties and traumas. Being angry is the weakest position you can place yourself in. So all those bullies, violent, aggressive and angry people are really weak.



It is extremely common for survivor's of sexual assault to dream about and be plagued by visions of seeking revenge on the man who raped them. I feel that it is a way that we can empower ourselves and treat the rapist in degrading, cruel and hurtful ways like how he treated them. As Mike Lew's book "Victims no longer: The classic guide for men recovering from sexual child abuse" (2004) states revenge is about

"Feeling outrage at an outrageous act. And you need the freedom to express your desire to punish those who abused you" (page 309). And

"Whatever their form, revenge themes are evidence that the survivor has stopped blaming himself for the abuse and is demanding that the perpetrator be held accountable for his actions. It is a powerful stance - the anger is that of righteous indignation" (page 309).

Lew recommends choosing the far more safer and satisfying means of revenge by choosing litigation or public exposure and he suggests that

"Living well is the best revenge" {page 310)

Three months following the rape I was plagued by visions of laughing at him, calling him a rapist and running over him if I were to see him. I'd like to send some young kids around to his place who I get to graffiti his home or car with the words rapist and sexual predator to warn others about him. I keep getting these urges of sending him clippings about rape articles from the newspaper!!!!

I dream of doing painful things to him like stringing him up by his balls. I imagine that I have a voodoo doll representing him, I stab it in the head, nipples and nuts. I dream that he is hung upside down with nails through his brain, nipples, hands, mouth and nuts and finally he is castrated!!!!!!!! My counsellor reassures me that my dreams of harming him are a healthy and normal response.

Eighteen months later I still have the strongest urge to go around to his place and throw a brick into his window. I feel like I need to do something to make him suffer. I know that it wouldn't even be a millionth of what I have had to go through, but I feel like it would be something and that feels better than doing nothing. Somehow, I manage not to follow my urges.

Bass and Davis's book "The courage to heal - A guide for women survivors of child sexual abuse" describes how once someone has hurt you by sexually abusing you, it is a normal and reasonable reaction to want to hurt them back. However, the authors recommend visualising your revenge as a means of satisfying your feelings of revenge. Plus

"If you consider carrying out your revenge, think of your future, outcomes like jail, do you want to perpetuate the abuse and violence and remember to respect human life" (page 128).



I feel that this is most probably the hardest thing I had to try and grasp the concept of how to forgive him for what he did. It just didn't ever feel like it was something that I could ever do in my life. While I understand that there were things that must have happened in his life for him to do what he did to me, but I still cannot forgive him because I strongly believe that there is no excuse for abuse. Many people would say to me "forgive" as if it was the answer without ever giving me ideas on how it would be possible to even begin entertaining the idea of forgiving him for the outrageous acts and devastating effects his actions have had on my life. I sit back and wonder how these people would be able to forgive him if he had done to them what he did to me!

Fortunately the book "The courage to heal - A guide for women survivors of child sex abuse" by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis did help me find aspects of forgiveness that I was personally able to find acceptable. The authors suggest that you only need to forgive yourself, for example,

"You must forgive yourself for having needed, for coping the best you could, for my genitals responding, for not being able to second guess my abuser and avoid the abuse, forgive my limitation, needing time to heal and give yourself all your understanding and compassion to direct my energy and attention toward my healing" (page 150).

These next few quotes summarise my feelings on the topic of forgiveness

"I am my primary concern. Whether the abuser rots or not, I'm going on with my own life" (page 150).

"You don't try to forgive Hitler" (page 151) and

"He made his choices and only he can forgive and heal himself. I don't have to forgive him" (page 153).

I understand that this is an extremely difficult concept, but I suggest doing what feels right for you and your own beliefs and values. However, I believe Lew (2004) describes it extremely well with these quotes

"I will tell you, clearly and empathetically, that it is not necessary to forgive the person who abused you! " (page 306)

"Some survivors feel that forgiving the person who abused them allowed them to let go of ties to the past and move forward in their recovery. For others, forgiveness seems like acceptance of the abusive behaviour. Many survivors are not ever ready to consider the possibility. You are the only one who can determine what is right and what is possible for you" (page 307).

"Self-forgiveness is a tricky and confusing concept, because you did nothing wrong. Therefore, the word 'forgiveness" is inappropriate. I use it only in the sense of "letting yourself off the hook" - a hook you never deserved to hang from. If you haven't been blaming yourself, self-forgiveness isn't necessary. But if you assume responsibility that isn't yours, you have more work to do. You need to excuse yourself for all the wasted time, withdrawal, depression, and failures in your life. You need to 'pardon" yourself for having behaved in ways that brought pain to others. You must forgive yourself for self-inflicted pain" (page 310).

Lew (2004:311) describes how it is important to recognise your virtues of kindness, honesty, and integrity and rejoice in your survival that represents courage and strength. When you stand up against abuse, you are no longer blaming yourself and you are recovering your self-respect (Lew, 2004:311). Finally Lew (2004:311) suggests that you are on the road to recovery when you are glad to value and respect your own judgment and awareness.



I know I have already shared some of my dreams with you, but probably what I found most helpful with my dreams was how my subconscious was changing my patterns of reacting in particular scenarios, giving me confidence that I could fight and protect myself. Like the dream I had about two men trying to break into my unit and I lock my doors and windows, I use a broom to keep them from getting in and I phone 000 to get some Help. It felt so good to know that I could deal with something like this differently to how I did when I was raped, so that I could get out uninjured and unharmed physically and emotionally.

Even though I am extremely proud that I survived, how hard I have worked, how strong and resilient I am, it doesn't change the reality of the effects of the rape. Especially the guilt of not being able to time an escape and feeling so vulnerable in regard to my personal safety and security as a result of the rape.

However, I didn't realise I had other choices, I was too scared, I didn't feel brave enough to take the risk, know when to time taking a risk or realise the consequences of my limited choices. However, I needed to know if anything ever again threatened my being I needed to know that I can get out of there rather than sacrifice myself.

Four months following the rape I have a dream about filling a fish tank with water with dead fish in it that come to life while I fill the tank with water. It was like they were being reborn and I am hoping that it is an omen that I am being reborn.



There are times when despite everything I was doing to heal and recover that my body would remind me of the stress and strain I was experiencing. So, the first time I became ill, some of my friends weren't too surprised because they felt I was coping too well. However, I knew it was possible because I had read about a woman's story of how she and her friends felt she was doing well and then she crashed and burned. So, I wasn't too surprised either. I decide to listen to my body and the messages my body is giving me. I really didn't think that there was any point in not listening and pushing myself too far.

I just have to trust that all this hard work, pain, hurt, suffering, therapy, reflection and keys to my understanding that I am learning will lead to my recovery. I live in hope. What other option do I have? In my opinion it is a far healthier coping mechanism to deal with trauma rather than ignore it.

Seven months following the rape I am so very fragile and down. It has been an extremely painful journey so far. I am

"So exhausted, I have almost no energy, I am so tired of dealing with this and it never seems to go away. I feel so lost; I just don't know where I am anymore. It feels like I am down the bottom of a bottomless pit. I saw my GP and I'm still off work. My GP discussed the option of a reactionary depression and recommends antidepressants if I don't start to feel better soon. However, my GP has every confidence in my ability to overcome this as I have been able to mobilise many coping strategies and I am determined to heal and recover. But I have worked so hard to avoid anything addictive, yet it is ironic that I should find myself here. I guess working so hard on this has left me incredibly drained. I can't help how I feel. How am I supposed to summon a smile when I don't have one. Any way I decide to try natural therapies, trying St. John's Wart and a specific Bach flower remedy instead" (Diary entry, 9/1/05)

Eighteen months later I am sick again, but this time, it's a tooth abscess. It's hard to believe that it isn't anything to do with the rape. It was pretty awful, all that pain, swelling, redness, numbness and tingling, plus I couldn't sleep or really get on top of the pain. However, I guess the best part is that I didn't get pushed over the edge emotionally like I did the other times I got sick. So I guess that is something positive.

Two and a half years later and I am on 10 days sick leave with acute back pain, being exhausted, not sleeping, emotional labile and crying. I follow my intuition to hibernate, rest, use lots of hot packs and pain relief, talk with friends, have spa baths, go for a walk on the beach and I have theta and reflexology sessions. I really feel that this latest time that I have crashed and burned is really about my body saying what a difficult and stressful two and half years it has been and I need time out to recover. I feel like I am almost ready to re-enter the world again.

Recently I crash and burn again when I discovered a breast lump that was palpable, tender and painful two weeks prior to my period. I am stunned and shocked. Preceding this happening, our foster kids are being forced to move to another family by the child protection services in the name of getting them professional help. It's only been about 10 months since we were aware of problems with the kids and finally this is how the services decide to help the kids!!!!!!!! In that time we have had considerable successes with the kids, especially the boy, who has decided to work with us and become a beautiful and happy boy who wants to heal and recover. I am very proud of all the effort he has put into deciding to be a normal family boy rather than a lonely robot kid. Of course, the kids, my parents, other family members and myself are extremely upset. So I guess it's no surprise that this would happen at the same time. The combination of both these things leaves me so upset that I end up on stress leave trying to cope with both of them. I decide that I need to know more and I discover that cystic disease of the breast occurs between 30-50 years of age, labile, may develop quickly, may be painless or tender lumps especially before menstruation.

I have an ultrasound and mammogram that indicate multiple breast cysts. My current GP discusses aspiration of the breast cysts, but I am keen for my breasts to remain as they are as I am not interested in my breasts being probed with needles and being left potentially battered and bruised. I think that it would be too much of a reminder of the trauma my breasts experienced from the rape. So instead I decide to drink a glass of carrot juice a day to get beta carotene, eat more raw fruit and vegetables like in the liver cleansing diet, eat high fibre diet, raw seeds and nuts, whole grain food, salmon, trout and mackerel and I am taking magnesium, vitamin E and Frequensea. I need to avoid caffeine, chocolate, stress, fatty foods, alcohol, drugs, pain, cooking food in plastic containers in the microwave and all beauty and cleaning products containing paraben, usually, these chemicals can be identified on products by the words methyparaben, butylparaben, propylparaben and ethylparaben. I have got a product called progestelle containing natural progesterone coming. Apparently women who experience breast cysts have low progesterone levels. I am happy to wait and see if these things work first and I am going to expect that these things will work. I am going to expect my breasts to be perfect and healthy, I am going to expect that my chosen methods of healing will work and that the kids will return to our family.



Eight months following the rape I am preoccupied with moving into my very own first home. I am grateful for being able to focus on something else because I have been able to shift my focus from dealing with the rape. However, it was pretty exhausting dealing with 2 major life stressors 7-8 months apart and I would be exhausted by lunch time!

Buying my first home was an important safety issue, for example, I have a new address, a silent phone number, security doors, window locks etc I decide that I want to paint my lounge and kitchen area in colours of places where I felt safe in the past eg, Ayer's Rock, King's Canyon and the Olgas. These were magical, beautiful places where I felt happy and safe. I want to paint my bedroom in tones of purple and green to refect peace, tranquillity and balance. While I transform my new home I feel like I am transforming myself.



I have found gardening very therapeutic in my healing and recovery. I think that it is something to do with growing and nurturing the plants helps me to feel like I am growing and nurturing myself. I also feel like I am transforming the garden and transforming myself. A woman describes how gardening helped her to heal and recover

"I never had plants before. It's just my way of trying to keep something other than me alive" (Bass & Davis, page 380).




Lew (2004:357-367) makes some more suggestions that some survivors might find helpful and useful to them heal and recover

Lew (2004:350) suggests that you take the time to talk to other survivors who have tried the resource (if this is possible), interview the practitioner about the treatment and ask yourself more questions eg. Do I have enough information, am I interested in trying this, where can I go to get more information and do I feel I can trust the therapist. My advice is to follow your intuition, trust your intuition and believe that your chosen therapy will help you.



"The Secret" talks about how the law of attraction is the secret, for example, like attracts like, therefore, think about what you want to bring about to bring it into your life. Having happy thoughts creates happy and healthy biochemistry within your body and positive thoughts are 100% more powerful than negative thoughts. So make it absolutely clear what you want, imagine what you want, focus on what you are passionate about, listen to your intuition, see images and feel how it will feel when you have what you want. Believe what you want is already yours, expect that you will receive what you want, dwell upon the end result, feel the joy and happiness you feel when you are healed and recovered and be grateful for what you already have and you will receive more to be grateful for. Everyday close your eyes, focus on achieving what you want to achieve, feel it, look at it as if you've acquired it, paint, draw or write what you want, release and trust. Decide on what you really want, write and explain exactly what you want in every aspect of your life. Examples of things you may want to focus on eg expect a cheque, I deserve to be happy, focus on prosperity and abundance in all areas of your life, inner joy and happiness, feel healthy, loved and good, treat yourself the way you want others to treat you and see yourself living in a perfectly healthy and happy body.

I understand that this might appear to be an overwhelming list of resources that might make survivors frightened about their road to healing and recovery. But, if you flip the coin, it really provides you with an extensive list and many wonderful ideas to help you heal and recover. It amazes me that I have utilised so many resources. In reality I have needed each and every one to help me.

Remember that you were hurt on many levels so you must heal on many levels and that requires many resources. Once again, I recommend following your intuition, find those resources that you believe will help you and go with the process of healing. I hope that I have been able to provide you with a wealth of resources that you can use. I hope that it becomes clear that there are so many simple things in life that can be wonderful, positive and powerful healing tools too.

I keep reminding myself that I am doing the best I can and my best is good enough, so maybe, this could help other survivor's understand and accept that they are doing the best you can and that your best IS good enough.



To see an outline of the stages in Evelyn's journey to date

Chapter 1 of her journey 'Love, not Time, Heals all Wounds'

Chapter 2 'Be careful of the men you choose'

Chapter 3 'The Loss of the Age of Innocence'

Chapter 4 'Frozen with Fear'

Chapter 5 'Counselling'

Chapter 6 'Bodywork'

Chapter 8 'Making Sense of Secondary Wounding'

Appendix 1 - Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT)

Appendix 2 How survivors of sexual assault can have a positive Pap Smear Experience

Helpful books


© 2005-2008 Evelyn Shakespeare